Can i change this season from sucking?

Fall/Autumn/Winter are my favorite seasons,times of year..,but for me, It's always so difficult.It's not a natural occurrence .It seems as if life just comes crashing down on me,all within a matter of weeks. Like finances,relationships,situations,wants....There are things i want to do,but i feel stuck,and in a rut.Everything is being timed and im hoping my life is never like this again.It has been 2 years of what seem like living hell.I feel like once i get out of this ill be resentful since i've been blamed,judged,and mistreated because i was at the mercy of others. Im too nice though.I also get over things easy.I pray daily that this ends soon and i can be happy again,uninterrupted.

So much has been going on ive been neglecting my posts on here

As many of you know i was having a lot of drama,now im just trying to get this whole city situation figured out.I honestly don't know where im going to live now.I was so set on L.A. Now i don't know if i want to go anymore.Im going this week to figure things out and have to figure things out and go with my gut

Sunday weigh in

This morning i woke up,did my typical routine and weighed myself,i am now 188.4 !!!! now of course that was water weight and whatever else but it made me feel better about falling behind. I feel more confident knowing that maybe i can just lose 5 lbs this week instead of 8,and then 5 next week instead 4 and i will be back on track.Im not going to hold off on eating because when i go too long with out it,i'll just indulge,but i am going to cut down fat portions and not work out until wednesday,so that my levels wont be off for the out patient.I have one more check in next month,so i don't really have many excuses.So here is the chart:


Sunday 7/10  i weight 195

wednesday 7/13 goal is 193 (actual weigh in #193)

goal for saturday july 16 is 190


Sunday 17 i should weigh in at 190 (actual #)

wednesday 7/20 goal is 188
saturday  7/23 goal is 186



Sunday 7/24 i should weigh in at 186 ACTUAL # is 188.4

wednesday 7-27 goal is 184

saturday 7/30 goal is 182

late saturday weigh in

I decided to come back home today.I was going to stay until next wednesday because i have out patients but i didn't want to and have been neglecting my channel a bit because i was in the study since wednesday and only had one prerecorded video that was scheduled.The study was pretty healthy and low fat.I actually gained 2 lbs last week and lost it,i haven't had any exercise and haven't been eating well but the study helped me regulate it.

So currently im at 190.Not going to lie.Im a bit disappointed that i've fallen off track,im supposed to weigh in at 186,i also can't do strenuous exercises so everything very light,to get back on track i would have to eat very lean and raw then work out before bed.8 lbs by next saturday... days?ok.i just want to be in the early 180s

im currently in dallas for a study

Hey..so im editing but the wifi here is not so good and keeps logging me out so the videos i have edited wont go up until next week,maybe saturday.We're released that.For anyone that is interested,the study is for $3,150 and its at the dallas clinic.If you do one tell them i sent you! I had a bit of a hard time getting my blood drawn earlier and that honestly sucked,but they finally listened to me and we got it after a while.

MY DRAMA:Laura changed her username to 'boss lady'

If your just tuning in,a few weeks ago i wrote a post about a woman named Ovetta who i haven't seen or spoken to in 10+ years,i did't say about who she was or what happened.A week later i receive a message on youtube from her daughter.Mind you all not only have i not seen her mother since i was a kid,but i have never met this daughter only heard of her,and talked on the phone once.I was living in nebraska at the time and she has always been in some part of new york.

this is what she wrote

at first i thought she was a viewer that was upset about me talking about my mo because i have gotten a couple comments like that,so i misread it.I also NEVER THOUGHT that a woman in her 30's that has never met me and i hasn't spoken to since i was 11? message me in general a week after talking about her mother.What does that say about her?I have gone on with my life,and she is still checking for me a decade + later.How?Her mom would show up at my school uninvited and one day the school had to ask her to leave.I had to act like i liked her before that.As soon as i made a facebook she messaged me saying her mom was an old friend of her dads and wouldnt say who she was.When i found who she was i simpy asked is this Ovetta daughter?she deleted her facebook.I gave her info i shouldn't have but i was 16 at the time and I didn't know her intentions.

here are pictures of our convo from 2009 when i first started a facebook at 16 to 2012

after some time it hit me who this anonymous person literally years later...and when she got all the info she needed from me she deleted me and now keeps up with all my social media but calls me a lonely loser??

so i made a post here  about how they have been stalking me and my family for years,which her mom has convinced her to do.This whole issue is because she allowed my dad to use her for years and because of this she mirrored her frustrations on us.She was honestly a monster.Me and my brother are still dealing with the trauma UNTIL THIS DAY. I did respond to her but when i blocked her I could not reply to her but she could still respond to me.So i unblocked her and i still couldnt respond.I was still receiving emails and cursed her out accordingly.She is extremely defensive and starts bring up things from my child hood to demean me.Then calls me a 'nobody with no friends'.

If im all these things why are you keeping such close tabs on me?I posted her links since i could not reply directed and im not sure what happened but she has all new user names since our encounter.Im going to look through my email to see if i can find her comments.

Reality shows im excited for the summer

So pretty much im watching bravo all summer....for the most part.

so they just finished filming the real housewives of new york's reunion and im sooo excited,i want to see new comer Jules stand up for herself to Bethenny like she did in last nights episode at the dinner.I didn't think i would like Dorinda,but she is growing on me,surprisingly her and Ramona's friendship is on the rocks due to her over sensitivity of peoples views of her friends realistic views of her relationship.So far Jules has the most interesting story line with her eating disorder and pending divorce.I would love to see her next season!As usual Carole is a snooze fest bully,and Sonja of course not sure why shes still on the show but im glad shes there.Ex room mate Luann is currently engaged after another world wind romance with a guy many of her friends have recently banged.Bethenny is dealing with fibroids and id staying true to her dramatic snappy attitude.

Ohh....the shahs of sunset.Where do i even begin?

ok so Mike who i was in love with and very surprised when he married Jessica,are now in the middle of a divorce that made news 6 months after being married.Mike allegedly cheated on  her and she has proof.Mj is dating a new yorker who her mom of course doesnt approve and her moms overbearing opinion is hindering her relationship.GG is dealing with chronic arthritis is coming to light and is seeking treatment for it and none of her cast mates believe the severity of it.Reza is happily married after surprising his finance with a wedding because wether he was ready or not didn't matter.Asa's butt is getting bigger by the season is just making money with her family (goals) and new comer i forgot his name is just hot and a bachelor.Typical.

Ill be very honest.This show is getting sleazier and more fake with every season .I barely watched.I've been catching it on demand.I don't like yung joc.

ok so mimi is dating a girl (big surprise),k michelle was there for a hot minute.Karly red (dating lyfe jenning and fucking scrapp deleon) can never like a guy who is available and is finally posing for playboy now that no one is checking for playboy.Joseline is playing tricks on everyone that don't work and they're all unbothered.Stevie j exposes their fake marriage after being upset at seeing jos with rick ross which is clearly a fake plot.  I literally just googled 'bubble gum song' to find this person and jason derulo popped up then some other people,then her but Rasheeda is running a clothing store with family and her fake plot cheating husband's daughter is trying to her rap career off the ground.Tommie,Scrapp,and Tiarra love triange saga continues and tiarra seems to move on but with an ugly dude named KD,if she wanted Scrapp to feel secure that shes not going anywhere this dude is the one to do it.Kd has a stripper doctor miami assembly line body and im sure they're apartment where they film and relationship is fake but we'll go with it.Back to tommie.Her body is nice.Not sure if its real at this point lol but shes getting into unnecessary fights left and right for a nigga that is not worth it.It's honestly sad to see.Scrapp is going to prison for 5 years for a small amount of weed because of course the judge did not care thats its wasting tax payers money.Im not sure why joc is still on the show and lil scrappy is irrelevant as ever along with bambi and theres also a transgender D. Smith who can never get her point across correctly. I thought she was going to bring some fresh air to the show but fell flat.she came with a friend Betty idol...Who got into an avoidable fight with wacka flocka's wife tammy who i lost respect for after shaking her boobs at d smith as a jab that she'll never be a woman.Boobs dont make the woman dumbass.Tammy and wocka are working on their marriage....Theres too many people for a show to be this lifeless.

The OC is messy as ever and i would like people to stand up for Shannon more and just be real i general.I still really don't like Tamra and her tight mouth,but hey,what are we gonna do?lol.Im also excited for Kelly and her interesting story with her tried to divorce husband,he is overly controlling as she admitted and i like that hes older so people would think he's her sugar daddy,but she's really been the bread winner.I know her and Meghan's friendship is really just a surface hi and bye because Meghan didn't know something as simple as Kelly being married to a man she tried to divorce,i mean come on,so obvious.I mean,i know the show has a history of bringing on women who act they were best friends before and would be a good fit,but this match up was just lazy.Also Meghan is trying for a baby with her former baseball pro husband.I cannot wait for Heather's home to be finished.Soooo many details and expensive cabinets.Also Vicky the o.g. is trying to come to terms with her ex leaving her due to the women on the show and get back into good graces with the other women even bringing in old faces like Jeana in the opening episode.

Last but not least,Southern Charm.Although the season is over,I still feel the same as i did last season.I love naive Kathryn and hate Landon.When will she leave the show?Seriously.The show is a complete contradictory.They really try these outdated tactics like 'slut shaming' Kathryn for having a child out of wedlock twice (like anyone cares about that anymore) with Thomas.When they should really be looking at a man who is in his 50's having a mid life crisis leading a young girl on and the world into thinking he's really about that dad,husband,settled down life.Just stop.The reunion was hard to watch seeing that as usual craig was the only person to have Kathryn's back while her lame ex sat back and watched.Cameron is a complete snooze fest grasping for some sort of story line.While Shep is still living off of his forever inheritance,he did open a bar,that always empty.Whitney is wack and his mom is still full of herself.which she shouldnt be.Craig still hasn't taken the bar but is in a commited relationship with an old acquaintance,but doesn't really have steady work besides the show.

saturday weigh in

So im at 190 today which was the goal,we had a large dinner late last night and i gave into my peppermint cravings....But today im filling up on water because of course i have a repeat at stupid covance because they didnt have there shit together last time i was there.So i go in on monday morning and check in is on wednesday so ill be leaving for dallas tomorrow evening.

I knew i should have taken my avocados with me when i left,i didnt want them to get smushed while traveling.The doctor wants me to do a urine and blood repeat.

I DID my last move in texas today!plus weigh in

I moved in with another youtuber crazy enough!I'm back to posting like crazy because she has fast wifi so i had 4 edited videos up so im posting 2 today and 2 tomorrow,until i catch up,but now it's back to filming.BUTTT even bigger news....i weighed in at 189 today!!!! The moving and light eating that i did this morning really did it.I can not believe how on track i am.

my 800 calorie a day diet

breakfast
smoothie

ingredients/parts
2 bananas (140 calories)
8 strawberries (40 calories)
pineapple (100 calories)

dinner/lunch ill be having
guacamole

ingredients/parts
1 1/2 avocado (350 calories)
a piece of garlic (15 calories)
1 roma tomato (40 calories)
1 pack of seasoning (70)
24 chips (240 calories)

water,and i had a soda :( i was 150 calories.....

TOTAL 1,145 CALORIES for the day i failed lol

lets lose weight together!... #goals

Im really serious about losing 30 to 40 pounds by September (im 195 now) because im going to New York (i need any type of motivation)for the first time!Brooklyn to be exact for generation beauty and boy am i excited,i've never been there and ill be traveling with my friend Chevy from youtube.So heres the goal.Im going to try by losing 3-4 pounds weekly.With a weekly sunday weigh in.With a weekly post every sunday.A few things that might set me back are a study that i may be doing in a couple weeks, and when im in there i cant work out,but i don't eat the food there really and everything is controlled,and when we get to new york,i may pig out.Other than that, im good.


Sunday 7/10  i weight 195

wednesday 7/13 goal is 193 (actual weigh in #193)

goal for saturday july 16 is 190



Sunday 17 i should weigh in at 190 (actual #)

wednesday 7/20 goal is 188

saturday  7/23 goal is 186



Sunday 7/24 i should weigh in at 186

wednesday 7-27 goal is 184

saturday 7/30 goal is 182


sunday 7/31 i should weigh in at 182

wednesday 8/3 goal is 180

saturday 8/6 goal is 178


sunday 8/7 i should weigh in at 178

wednesday 8/10  goal is 176

saturday 8/13 goal is 174


sunday 8/14 i should weigh in at 174

wednesday 8/17 goal is 172

saturday 8/20 goal is 170


sunday 8/21 i should weigh in at 170

wednesday 8/24 goal is 168

saturday 8/27 goal is 166


sunday 8/28 i should weigh in at 166

wednesday 8/31 goal is 164

saturday  9/3 goal is 162


sunday 9/4 i should weigh in at 162

wednesday 9/7 goal is 160

saturday 9/10 goal is 158


sunday 9/11 i should weigh in at 158

wednesday 9/14 goal is 156

saturday 9/17 goal is 154

                                                                        LETS DO THIS!!

black owned banks list

I was on instagram this morning and saw a post by Solange about black owned banks.Im not saying it will be easier to get approved here,but there is a reason we need one.People have an issue with things starting off with the word "black' or 'negro' because they feel it separates us from others or it's offensive and racist.It's not.Why? Well the U.S. is already white so thats why there are businesses that start with a minority title.Example, in Houston it's common to see 'Latino' or ''Mexican' in the beginning of a title like it's necessary to see 'BET' black entertainment television.People will say well why don't we see White entertainment television?We don't need it because it's everywhere.IT HAS BEEN MADE THE NORM THROUGH FORCE.I mean look at youtube they have to make 'YOUTUBE BLACK' because they were being over looked

With all of this being said a black owned bank and it being known as that is important.

here is the list,there are 21 and also there are business 'starters' to help and supports that goes right back into the community.We need to keep our business with ourselves like other minority races do.

http://saintheron.com/news/there-are-over-21-black-owned-banks-in-the-u-s/


#blacklivesdomatter

A few things to remember when your discouraged/stressed

If you honestly can't do anything  about it.stop worrying.let it go,and let it be.

For example a bill that due or past due.

You don't have enough money to even make a partial payment,no one will lend or give it to you,your not getting paid this week and you can't get a loan.

let go,and let it be.Worrying will not pay your bills.I repeat.Worrying will not pay your bills.Only your actual actions toward paying it will.

There is a huge difference between ignoring the severity of the situation and letting go.

Sometimes i get discouraged,mainly when something is becoming redundant or if i'm around negative people.

One way i steer around it is remembering my goals that are set.I also understand that people will find any reason to dislike you and keep it that way.That them.You are you.

Just because things aren't going your way doesn't mean to lose hope,just because it seems like things never go your way,doesn't mean to lose hope.

Find something that motivates you,find something that makes you happy not temporarily,and keep going.Keep your eyes and mind open to many things.Something can come out of nowhere and change your life and you have been walking past it all along.

My Dads ex fling and her family continue to stalk us.

Its been 10+ years since since i've seen this woman (Ovetta Bell) But her and her family still continue to stalk.They know we want nothing to do with them.Why stalk?Boring/uneventful people like us? Well. She has done serious damage and forever has been trying to cover her tracks due to guilt.My dad has covered the wrong she has done,my mom with her ignorance had a soft spot for even over her own children.She's runs every time she feels as though things are coming to light.I've seen her in her car watching and showing up at random places we just so happened to be at.Being young i was so happy to be away from my dad's,i would ignore any confrontation and close my eyes tight hoping she would be gone by the time i opened them.Sometimes she would be closer and i would close them again,tighter this time.I would open my eyes and she was gone.I worried for the other children that would be in her care.Hoping they weren't scared.Hoping they had backbone,something i lacked back then.Im different now.I know what people are capable of,and i am aware that just because we have history or that i'm vulnerable,i won't be spared harm.

Ovetta D. Bell

your daughter wrote me 30 minutes ago,(i've blocked her since then) im guessing it was Laura
(her google plus)https://plus.google.com/103423419523856767203/posts
(her youtube) https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCBk5sZN__W0nJeCZRh8x8Uw
(her facebook) https://www.facebook.com/lora.elzergermain?fref=ts

I posted that blog on june 9th,today is the 19th.i haven't heard 

from her in 10+ years,and social media has obviously changed.They're still watching 

me and my family.

you know who you are 

you know what you've done

and WE know why your hiding

selfies with my mom

This was sooo last minute after filming,but they're special because she is taking them.Lets just say there are more out takes than takes lol.It only took 5 minutes literally and it's hard sometimes to catch her in the mood to do them!She lives in the country and there are so many bugs and i forgot to spray and got bit.Oh well here goes an allergy pil

feeling defeated

SUBSCRIBER SENT A PACKAGE?

SHOPPING AT THE GALLERIA!!

ovetta d. bell

you know who you are.


you know what you've done.


we know why your hiding.

give me strength.

This week has proven difficult in ways i can't even speak of right now.I don't and don't want to understand people and their logic.Family specifically.I have a sorry excuse for an oldest brother and everyone has terrible communication.Why did my mom have so many kids? Why am i put with this family?Why?They say everything happens for a reason but these people are so...just i can't.


 I had an hour long conversation with one of my older brothers where for once he didn't dominate it all they way,i could tell he wanted to really badly.He's crazy.Why?he records conversations,lies,uses people,is controlling,only gravitates toward negativity,and hates women.Should i go on?

wont be posting much this week

Im sooo sick lol.I haven't been this way in years.I went the entire winter ok and barely wearing anything and i wasn't sick at all.Hopefully i'll be up and ok by thursday

people think posting a mug shot is shameful to me??

Think about it.Im the girl who uses her real name and not a fake moniker on youtube like everyone else pretty much.Im the girl who's first vlogs were of me going to the court house,Im the girl who is not afraid to talk about sex work or sugar daddies,Im the girl who has no shame in chronicling her abortion for thousands to know and understand the after affects or whatever.So going to jail and having a mug shot isn't serious to me.I was going to talk about it a couple months when the dismiss was final but i had to move due to my crazy room mate.Now that people think thats a mechanism to bring me down,i think i will wait a bit longer.Or until i'm ready to start renovating the new pad lol.I mean lets be real here.There are girls glamorizing 'going to jail' and 'getting kidnapped' with ridiculous thumbnails for views.Why would i not partake in something like that when it has actually happened to me??Yall are really going to have to come harder than that. #next

Social Anxiety is a bitch.

I have no idea,whats going on with me,but i think i've gotten it figured out.When ever Im out in large crowd i get really uncomfortable.So uncomfortable that i get sad and overwhelmed it actually affects my breathing.Shopping typically makes me really happy,well online shopping.But large crowds make me ancy and impatient, i want people to walk faster,i get annoyed when people when kids run into me,or seeing kids who are walking in front of me stop literally to do something that they think is funny just for laughs that disrupts me walking to my destination.Typical things like that don't really bother people i guess?I also have to take into account that sometimes i go on weekends (bad idea) and i will be there for 4 or 5 hours which for me is just a bad combination.I could never out my finger on it,but a few subscribers called it anxiety and they have the same issue.Some other people suggested natural supplements so im going to look into it.I've never really been a fan of taking things to control the way i feel or to stop 'pain' or what have you,i don't even have an addictive personality.Im just bad with keeping up with things like that and don't want to become dependent on something like that.well see how this goes

a recap of my crazy week

last week on thursday my phone broke so i had to get another one,great.I thought i couldn't get insurance to get another because something was actually wrong with my motherboard and it was appearing black.

friday i got a temporary android phone

fast forward to today i just got my phone and life felt so weird with out it.

still moving to L.A.??

I won't even lie.My life literally changes completely every 30 days and i just go with it. So with that being said,im still moving to LA but i wont be next month like i wanted to.I ended up showing up pregnant to a screening that was paying $3,500 that i otherwise would have gotten into but thats ok.Things happen.I still have my sights set on going there but i also have seen potential in Texas and i've been doing a lot research and im actually excited about my new journey.The reason i wanted to move to move out of texas is because i had no passion for what i was doing here,i hated to doing hair and i felt like i was going no where with it because well,the passion was gone.

Now i'll be doing youtube full time and i actually like it.See what a difference a year makes??Im not pregnant anymore and am finally done with the study,so im in the process of making a serious purchase and im half way there.Anyway i'll update as time goes on.I just edited 5 videos so im going to go upload them now im a month behind on vlogs and haven't uploaded in over a week.xo

No one will ever love me with my 'condition'?

  when i was in my mom's womb.i was perfectly normal.last minute i was breach,meaning i was in any other position than me being upside down with head toward the opening.my mom was left on the bed side too long to make a change and he basically roughly/forcefully yanked me out by my arm.Due to this one shoulder is shorter than the other and my arm is practically back wards.when i turned 18 it started shifting and hurting a bit.

a few things to note:

• we have gone to countless lawyers for malpractice/neglect and no one would take it on
• i have gone to multiple doctors/physical therapy,we even traveled to the world renown mayo clinic in Minnesota and saw several doctors there and there was nothing to be done.

i have been given exercises for my arm to keep it from stiffening up but im not consistent.i have had relationships and serious ones.but with my disability its hard to meet people who will look past it.

feeling unprotected.

last year i was doing a ladies hair,maybe it was 2014.but she was into crystals.she explained there different meanings,and how they've helped her.she has a great sense of personality and vibes and immediately got a good one from me.before i left she sensed i hadn't felt protected in life by anything,so she gave me a black crystal and instructed that i charge it every few days in the sun but to keep it with me,i kept it in my car.i dont know where it is,but i keep running into it.its weird.i can find them if i don't try.

when i got in my car to go home,i cried in the parking lot.i knew i have so much missing in my life and that that put a part of a patch on it.even though i dont have solutions,it put some type of answer to the issues i deal with that people constantly ignore.a stranger i just met cared enough to at least assess it for a minute of her time.

now,i have always known,i appear a certain way to people,so people feel no need to comfort me.because i am and have always been the scape goat,the punching bag,the person of no interest,or the 'she'll be fine' girl.if thats your title and you have known nothing else,there is no time to accept it,it's you.the thing is,i never grew comfortable with it.

more than ever now i feel alone and like i have things to actually hide,for my own protection,im taking it into consideration and seriousness to not be such an open book and be so transparent.also for my own sanity and well being.because i've never had a wall of protection or felt like i had someone to even somewhat lean on and through my adult years it's becoming more and more apparent,i my self have never really had a wall.i give unsolicited advice,i teach anyone everything i know,i have no issue telling what im doing,i dont mind people going through my things...I've made myself too available and now im just realizing that.

WHY I STOPPED HAVING A SUGAR DADDY!!

                 

NEW VLOGGING CHANNEL

      

6 weeks.

i have something to tell and im not scared to tell it.

BEAUTYCON DALLAS PRE PARTY!the struggle yall VLOG

                    

we did'nt go to the movies again

DONE WITH BEING UGLY!

GETTING DRESSED IN MY CAR!!

beautycon dallas look+deets

lipstick/eye shawow is lime crime 'salem'/venus 2

dress is nasty gal

ULTIMATE GUIDE to getting into the paying study that you want!

shaving isnt always a must

favorite songs out rn bishh

tbt pics just cuz

at the austin bridge these are from the vlog 'boob sweat' i had so much fun and i hung out with the guy today actually.

a bit about me (sugar daddies,youtube,me stuff)

        Hey...So my name is Irma Jean Chinyere Ogazi.I'm 24,and was born March 8th (pisces) in Omaha,Ne.My mom is African American (Louisiana) and my dad is Nigerian (Imo state). I went to central high school and dropped out when i was 16 because of bullying and no help from teachers and ended up getting my GED after failed homeschool attempts.I started doing Youtube (seriously) in april of 2015 by doing story time videos and reviews because i was in a bad place and needed an outlet due to my lack of emotional support.I was not an avid watcher of youtube so when i made videos i didn't know certain things were 'in' or this is how you get views and this and that.I thought the way you grow your channel was buy talking about makeup so i would post my reviews on Sephora.com . I would post whenever i could and bought a few cameras that i couldn't afford.

    

         When i was 16 i met a man at a bus stop by the name of Art Yancey and we started dating,he spoiled me for a while,so i made a video called my 'sugar baby experience at 16'.To be honest it was more of a 'spoiled girl friend experience'.Sugar dating is so different than what i thought it was.My relationship on my end was organic,not his intentions.There was no 'pot dates',or agreements,or a certain amount allotted to me.We did typical things like dinner,movies,hanging out,we barely talked on the phone just saw each other,it was really simple.

    After i posted the video i honestly thought nothing of it,mind you i never watched youtube before i started posting so i didn't know that was something people were using as click bait or way to gain subscribers,so i was surprised when the video hit 10k views in the first week and i only had like 60 subscribers,it was the first video to get the 301+ back that was a thing.I was really thrown off my the amount of hate i was getting daily,from people calling me a whore and a gold digger,when he was the one who approached me,and he was the one dating a 16 year old girl.NO ONE blamed him at all.So i went on to make a 'sex work' playlist where i could give people more of an insight on sex work and how you don't have to be ignorant about something you passionately hate.All of this started because of serious hate on a video.

     Now my channel is honestly where i want it to be.I do youtuber gossip videos,blogs,story times,financial advice and stopped making sex work videos on my main channel and started a whole new channel on the subject because it deserves it.I'm extremely transparent and didn't know i was until every other comment was that i was.Im not big on social media and if i want to make a living doing it i need to work on that.

   Now I'm Just a girl who hates settling down and is telling my truth through various outlets hoping people can find some sort of relief in my grief and not make the same mistakes i did,and if they do at least have a warning.

   

today is my birthday !!

i need to retake a photo in this shirt so bad!i'll retire it when I'm 30.married or not.

bringing food to the movies!

screening at ICON gone wrong,lets eat together!

Date with the tow truck driver?? New tires

MEET ME AT BEAUYCON DALLAS!!!

 i will be at dallas beauty con on march 19! very excited.this is my first youtube even so i hope i have fun and will see everyone there! 11 am

Why Putting yourself first is soo important

There are so many reasons why this is obvious,but many people don’t do it.Including me.

why you should.

• typically,no one is going to care for your needs like you will
• its you.
• you’re no help to other people if you can’t get your self together first.

which…was my case.

for example.

My ‘close’ family has financial issues.How would i fix that?by giving.my last.like a naive girl.in hopes that by them saying,’this is it!its all i need and ill be out of the blue’ was actually true.It wasn’t.things actually would sink further.because when your in a financial mess,you have no room for mistakes.and since they were getting out easy it was easy to do that.

an example of that.

i remember it was 2010 or 11.my mom needed $95 to get a secured credit card.i know it sounds shady but it’s a real thing.i met an older man and he would pay me to hang out with me.i didn’t have a stable job and either did my mother but she was living with me in my apartment at the palms on westheimer,and we were struggling to even eat.i knew that the credit card would have like 2 or $300 on it when it would get here.So the man had given me $100 to play pool with him and i did.when i got home i told my mom i was so excited and gave her the money.

the next day she had been gone all day,she didn’t have a car so riding the bus took all day to run errands.when she walked in.she has like 6 pizzas from cicis…i thought it was free.

it don’t even cross my mind that she would buy pizza with my struggle money lol.

she said they were having a deal it was like 6 pizzas for $30 or something like that. it still hadn’t clicked that she spent it…so i asked, ‘ok did you put the deposit on your credit card?’.she said no because i needed  bus fare.it was $10 for the day and i only had $90 i was short.

….

i started yelling.

i was so upset.

i just didn’t understand why.so i asked.and yelled more.where is the logic?

she really didn’t get it then gave me my change which was $20,nothing was adding up.

so my point of the story is this.take care of yourself first.its not being selfish.its actually helping those around you who need you.

i believed in what she wanted and what it do for us,so i gave her my last.

and  that wasn’t my first time or last.it was a slight awakening.you see,i could have gotten that credit card myself.i was 18 and had no credit which isn’t good,and my moms was terrible.so we were in the same boat.i ended up getting a card with them later.but my first credit card was a secured one with capital one.but i wasn’t thinking of my self or seeing any potential.i should have taken it into my own hands instead of putting it in hers.

of course i have more knowledge now on and everything is so different.i tell her what she’s needs to do with her money and how to spend it.why?because she still asks for hundreds of dollars monthly.but i don’t feel like the world is going to end if i say no anymore.i tell her to figure it out,especially when she makes a frivolous large purchase that she cant afford.

now theres consequences for mistakes and before i would fix the mistake.

Why my insta is the way it is

I have to work really hard online to get noticed,even in the myspace days,but surprisingly youtube has been the most exposure,most rewarding,and less self advertising ive ever had to do.I’m pretty ‘new’ to being anything on social media,and i actually enjoyed chiming in every once and a while,but as times go on and you grow and so are situations around you.Things aren’t as fun as they used to be…so I decided to make things fun again by revamping everything.As i sit here typing 10 request notifications have popped and there are about 400 sitting in there now.I closed the gram at the beginning of the year because no one was really following me.I would put it on private and accept people but they just want to be nosey,so they unfollow right away.Ive had my instagram for 4 years now and up until the summer had like 170 followers,its at 707 and when i reopen it a February,it will most likely be 1300,if i keep it closed but i haven't been able to.Why do i care about this?Well companies do apparently.

One of my goals of 2016 is to make a living off of social media,so now i have to actually care about social media and start promoting myself.Which i am really bad at.I landed my first sponsorship 2 weeks ago and 3 more have followed since then.

So i have taken a few steps to change things.

1.put my instagram on private

2.take better pictures

3.pick my theme

4.delete terrible unflattering unnecessary pictures

i will reopen it on february 1st or the last day of january

Break Down during a test

yesterday i had to do testing placement since im a new school.

i started crying during the test.It was so weird.

I couldn’t even focus.I have so many issues Im scared to tackle.Im constantly wondering why the hell did those things happen.It was all so unnecessary.Im so scared of having children,i don’t want them to experience any of the hurt that happened out of my moms control and mine.

No one saw me and it was weird crying like it was figuring out a math problem but i was tearing up,and it was coming down constantly.That’s why i need therapy.It helps to be truthful and write things out so Im taking the first step.It just sucks to be at the grocery store picking up grapes and hating yourself literally out of nowhere and the feeling is lingering.My body is sore from mental pain and im finally figuring what all of this is and it’s not normal even though it is for me.

Posted on January 14, 20161 Commenton break down during a testEdit"break down during a test"

Gay Guys are my Steez

what is my deal??its either young guys or gay men.my gaydar is soooo off.and even when i find out there gay… the feelings are so great that it doesn’t bother me when he wants to date.Im not into the flamboyant ones,i like the ones who are just…aren’t.Like the guy who was stating with my brother we had such a good time together and i felt so comfortable around him.We could be around each other all day and not get tired or feel the need to entertain one another.Another issue, the song say it by tory lanez reminds me of him and idk why!!! oh wait its because the first time i heard it i was on my way to dallas and when i came upstairs he was the first person i saw.

a few things to understand or note before you judge me

-he would meet me down stairs to help with bags to being upstairs without me asking

-he was a great cuddler

-i haven’t dated anyone in 7 months.

-he would pay for stuff even if he was broke and it wasn’t awkward,we could go in on stuff to get what we want and i miss that.

-he kept me smiling

-i actually had something to look forward to coming to dallas to do all these out patient visits

but with the good comes the bad,he was still in love with his ex girlfriend from 10 years ago,he kept throwing the word love too much he was asking me to marry him which is very annoying and i was willing to over look the fact that hes nigerian.im over the situation because hes gone and couldnt stand up for himself but still im alone again even if it’s from the gay guy i could never be with.

Posted on January 14, 2016Leave a commenton being attracted to gay guysEdit"being attracted to gay guys"

Update on Study

so i posted a video about doing a clinical study.ok first off,i honestly forget to keep certain things private,im very transparent and i didnt know that,but the more videos i post,the more im seeing and hearing you all that i am,so i didnt think people would think its too good to be true or that i was harming myself. i saw some of the comments and i was like whaaa?? but either rate heres my update.

i went into the study in dallas on monday dec.28 and left thursday morning around 8:30 and have had a few out patients,no side effects what so ever.the study was a migraine shot. they gave us 3 shots at the same time in the same area on different spots.mine was on my thigh.i had some soreness from the shot because a needle was in my thigh lol.as far as money goes i opted for direct deposit so my money was there on tuesday morning.it was $1650,i get paid again at the end of the month another $1000 something.

at first i thought about being more private but im a bad lier and it would show in my videos because i would have to keep retracting myself,im already not that great at speaking already.

Posted on January 14, 2016Leave a commenton update on studyEdit"update on study"

january 4th 10,000 subscriber mile stone

11:20 pm

was great,i hit a mile stone on youtube.im finally out of the 4 digits lol.i think its because it took so long im not as excited as some others would be. im more excited for whos already here.anyone that takes interest in my channel and stays are honestly unique individuals and should be treated as such.it doesnt bother me people say all you have is ## amount of subbies?! not at all.like i always say its quality over quantity and i think thats the big secret on youtube.one of the high lights of the week is this

Involuntary Celibacy

ugh…ok  i haven’t met anyone.NOT EVEN FOR A SECOND.someone to be interested in,not even in the slightest.Not even to hold a conversation with.IN THE LAST 7 MONTHS.not in the grocery store,the library,school,apartments,neighborhood,walking around…i havent even met anyone online,not that ive been trying but you know.i just dont know whats going on.i honestly think its this weight gain.when i was thin,i literally couldnt keep dudes away,now that im thicker,its not the same.i think i look great though.for some women a little wight gain looks great.but maybe i wasnt meant to be this size?i honestly think it makes me look older than i am.there are so many things that need to be fixed about me…wight and hair could be a huge start.

ill keep it real with you all.i havent been intimate,well i havent had sex with anyone since may,i also haven’t met anyone worth having sex with.

the only option i have is my brothers 32 friend who is hard on times and is sleeping on my brothers couch until he gets his life together and im visiting for a week here.we get along great and he has tried to sleep with me and a few weeks ago actually tried to convince me to marry him.but he’s slept with my brother a few times and that a no go.hes also nigerian and you guys know how i feel about them,but he different than a lot of them but in a good/bad way.but we get along great and honestly if he hadn’t fucked my brother,i probably would’ve fucked him.

TBT new years 2012

new years 2012…so much has changed! and for the better,i was dating the ghetto loser ex, and pretty much living with him.he was an asshole back then but got better,way better.he was so horrible that i when he was amazing i couldnt get past how he treated me and was also upset at myself for letting him back into my life knowing it.now were not together as of may and havent talked since,except when he gave me some money to fix the phone his sister broke. now im single,and nothing like that will ever happen to me again.the relationship was convenient and  i couldnt wait to get out of it.and also i posted this on dec.31 im not sure why its saying jan 1st…

Posted on January 1, 2016Leave a commenton new years tbt 2012Edit"new years tbt 2012"