feeling unprotected.

last year i was doing a ladies hair,maybe it was 2014.but she was into crystals.she explained there different meanings,and how they've helped her.she has a great sense of personality and vibes and immediately got a good one from me.before i left she sensed i hadn't felt protected in life by anything,so she gave me a black crystal and instructed that i charge it every few days in the sun but to keep it with me,i kept it in my car.i dont know where it is,but i keep running into it.its weird.i can find them if i don't try.

when i got in my car to go home,i cried in the parking lot.i knew i have so much missing in my life and that that put a part of a patch on it.even though i dont have solutions,it put some type of answer to the issues i deal with that people constantly ignore.a stranger i just met cared enough to at least assess it for a minute of her time.

now,i have always known,i appear a certain way to people,so people feel no need to comfort me.because i am and have always been the scape goat,the punching bag,the person of no interest,or the 'she'll be fine' girl.if thats your title and you have known nothing else,there is no time to accept it,it's you.the thing is,i never grew comfortable with it.

more than ever now i feel alone and like i have things to actually hide,for my own protection,im taking it into consideration and seriousness to not be such an open book and be so transparent.also for my own sanity and well being.because i've never had a wall of protection or felt like i had someone to even somewhat lean on and through my adult years it's becoming more and more apparent,i my self have never really had a wall.i give unsolicited advice,i teach anyone everything i know,i have no issue telling what im doing,i dont mind people going through my things...I've made myself too available and now im just realizing that.

Why Putting yourself first is soo important

There are so many reasons why this is obvious,but many people don’t do it.Including me.

why you should.

• typically,no one is going to care for your needs like you will
• its you.
• you’re no help to other people if you can’t get your self together first.

which…was my case.

for example.

My ‘close’ family has financial issues.How would i fix that?by giving.my last.like a naive girl.in hopes that by them saying,’this is it!its all i need and ill be out of the blue’ was actually true.It wasn’t.things actually would sink further.because when your in a financial mess,you have no room for mistakes.and since they were getting out easy it was easy to do that.

an example of that.

i remember it was 2010 or 11.my mom needed $95 to get a secured credit card.i know it sounds shady but it’s a real thing.i met an older man and he would pay me to hang out with me.i didn’t have a stable job and either did my mother but she was living with me in my apartment at the palms on westheimer,and we were struggling to even eat.i knew that the credit card would have like 2 or $300 on it when it would get here.So the man had given me $100 to play pool with him and i did.when i got home i told my mom i was so excited and gave her the money.

the next day she had been gone all day,she didn’t have a car so riding the bus took all day to run errands.when she walked in.she has like 6 pizzas from cicis…i thought it was free.

it don’t even cross my mind that she would buy pizza with my struggle money lol.

she said they were having a deal it was like 6 pizzas for $30 or something like that. it still hadn’t clicked that she spent it…so i asked, ‘ok did you put the deposit on your credit card?’.she said no because i needed  bus fare.it was $10 for the day and i only had $90 i was short.

….

i started yelling.

i was so upset.

i just didn’t understand why.so i asked.and yelled more.where is the logic?

she really didn’t get it then gave me my change which was $20,nothing was adding up.

so my point of the story is this.take care of yourself first.its not being selfish.its actually helping those around you who need you.

i believed in what she wanted and what it do for us,so i gave her my last.

and  that wasn’t my first time or last.it was a slight awakening.you see,i could have gotten that credit card myself.i was 18 and had no credit which isn’t good,and my moms was terrible.so we were in the same boat.i ended up getting a card with them later.but my first credit card was a secured one with capital one.but i wasn’t thinking of my self or seeing any potential.i should have taken it into my own hands instead of putting it in hers.

of course i have more knowledge now on and everything is so different.i tell her what she’s needs to do with her money and how to spend it.why?because she still asks for hundreds of dollars monthly.but i don’t feel like the world is going to end if i say no anymore.i tell her to figure it out,especially when she makes a frivolous large purchase that she cant afford.

now theres consequences for mistakes and before i would fix the mistake.

Break Down during a test

yesterday i had to do testing placement since im a new school.

i started crying during the test.It was so weird.

I couldn’t even focus.I have so many issues Im scared to tackle.Im constantly wondering why the hell did those things happen.It was all so unnecessary.Im so scared of having children,i don’t want them to experience any of the hurt that happened out of my moms control and mine.

No one saw me and it was weird crying like it was figuring out a math problem but i was tearing up,and it was coming down constantly.That’s why i need therapy.It helps to be truthful and write things out so Im taking the first step.It just sucks to be at the grocery store picking up grapes and hating yourself literally out of nowhere and the feeling is lingering.My body is sore from mental pain and im finally figuring what all of this is and it’s not normal even though it is for me.

Posted on January 14, 20161 Commenton break down during a testEdit"break down during a test"

Update on Study

so i posted a video about doing a clinical study.ok first off,i honestly forget to keep certain things private,im very transparent and i didnt know that,but the more videos i post,the more im seeing and hearing you all that i am,so i didnt think people would think its too good to be true or that i was harming myself. i saw some of the comments and i was like whaaa?? but either rate heres my update.

i went into the study in dallas on monday dec.28 and left thursday morning around 8:30 and have had a few out patients,no side effects what so ever.the study was a migraine shot. they gave us 3 shots at the same time in the same area on different spots.mine was on my thigh.i had some soreness from the shot because a needle was in my thigh lol.as far as money goes i opted for direct deposit so my money was there on tuesday morning.it was $1650,i get paid again at the end of the month another $1000 something.

at first i thought about being more private but im a bad lier and it would show in my videos because i would have to keep retracting myself,im already not that great at speaking already.

Posted on January 14, 2016Leave a commenton update on studyEdit"update on study"

Involuntary Celibacy

ugh…ok  i haven’t met anyone.NOT EVEN FOR A SECOND.someone to be interested in,not even in the slightest.Not even to hold a conversation with.IN THE LAST 7 MONTHS.not in the grocery store,the library,school,apartments,neighborhood,walking around…i havent even met anyone online,not that ive been trying but you know.i just dont know whats going on.i honestly think its this weight gain.when i was thin,i literally couldnt keep dudes away,now that im thicker,its not the same.i think i look great though.for some women a little wight gain looks great.but maybe i wasnt meant to be this size?i honestly think it makes me look older than i am.there are so many things that need to be fixed about me…wight and hair could be a huge start.

ill keep it real with you all.i havent been intimate,well i havent had sex with anyone since may,i also haven’t met anyone worth having sex with.

the only option i have is my brothers 32 friend who is hard on times and is sleeping on my brothers couch until he gets his life together and im visiting for a week here.we get along great and he has tried to sleep with me and a few weeks ago actually tried to convince me to marry him.but he’s slept with my brother a few times and that a no go.hes also nigerian and you guys know how i feel about them,but he different than a lot of them but in a good/bad way.but we get along great and honestly if he hadn’t fucked my brother,i probably would’ve fucked him.

TBT new years 2012

new years 2012…so much has changed! and for the better,i was dating the ghetto loser ex, and pretty much living with him.he was an asshole back then but got better,way better.he was so horrible that i when he was amazing i couldnt get past how he treated me and was also upset at myself for letting him back into my life knowing it.now were not together as of may and havent talked since,except when he gave me some money to fix the phone his sister broke. now im single,and nothing like that will ever happen to me again.the relationship was convenient and  i couldnt wait to get out of it.and also i posted this on dec.31 im not sure why its saying jan 1st…

Posted on January 1, 2016Leave a commenton new years tbt 2012Edit"new years tbt 2012"