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Saturday, April 16, 2016

feeling unprotected.

last year i was doing a ladies hair,maybe it was 2014.but she was into crystals.she explained there different meanings,and how they've helped her.she has a great sense of personality and vibes and immediately got a good one from me.before i left she sensed i hadn't felt protected in life by anything,so she gave me a black crystal and instructed that i charge it every few days in the sun but to keep it with me,i kept it in my car.i dont know where it is,but i keep running into it.its weird.i can find them if i don't try.

when i got in my car to go home,i cried in the parking lot.i knew i have so much missing in my life and that that put a part of a patch on it.even though i dont have solutions,it put some type of answer to the issues i deal with that people constantly ignore.a stranger i just met cared enough to at least assess it for a minute of her time.

now,i have always known,i appear a certain way to people,so people feel no need to comfort me.because i am and have always been the scape goat,the punching bag,the person of no interest,or the 'she'll be fine' girl.if thats your title and you have known nothing else,there is no time to accept it,it's you.the thing is,i never grew comfortable with it.

more than ever now i feel alone and like i have things to actually hide,for my own protection,im taking it into consideration and seriousness to not be such an open book and be so transparent.also for my own sanity and well being.because i've never had a wall of protection or felt like i had someone to even somewhat lean on and through my adult years it's becoming more and more apparent,i my self have never really had a wall.i give unsolicited advice,i teach anyone everything i know,i have no issue telling what im doing,i dont mind people going through my things...I've made myself too available and now im just realizing that.


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